The Gas Man and the Pizza Delivery Boy
by Chrjoyed
Summary: Domesticated Chryed
1. Chapter 1

**The Gas Man and the Pizza Delivery Boy**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Syed Masood or Christian Clarke (sadly ;-), they would be on screen now if I did...or maybe round at my house x**

**Chapter 1 - 'Christian's Flu'**

"Sy...I'm gonna die soon if you don't get a move on with that water", Christian groaned, prising his eyes open in an attempt to locate his absent boyfriend. He thought about chancing a request of some breakfast and a copy of the latest issue of Attitude but he had already been using Syed as his personal slave and doctor for the past few days, and on seeing the look of death that was directed at him right now, had decided it was probably not one of his better ideas.

"You have a cold Christian. You are not going to die", Syed replied dryly, repressing a yawn. It had been a long night of groaning and moaning and not the sort that left Syed satisfied and Christian smirking.

XXXX

_"Christian, would you please stop moving? I'd be better off sleeping on the sofa at this rate. It's 3am and I have barely slept. I have the accounts for Masala Queen to do tomorrow. Mum will go mental if I don't turn up. You know what-OI! I can do without you putting your hand there, thanks. You're all germy", Syed screeched, wriggling out of Christian's grasp and shifting over onto his back in an obvious huff. _

_"I need to snuggle, Sy. I'm cold", Christian whined, attempting to pull a reluctant Syed towards him. "A few minutes that's all, just to warm me up"_

_"Fine", Syed sighed, rolling his eyes in mock disgust and heaving himself over to Christian's side of the bed. "Just keep your hands to yourself okay. Above the area at all times, I need to sleep"_

_"Thanks Sy", Christian grinned._

_"Hmm", Syed murmured, allowing Christian to drape his arm round his waist._

XXXX

"I have to go to work now", Syed grumbled, wrestling into his coat and attempting to locate his keys at the same time. He hadn't realised that living with another neat freak would severely hinder his chances of finding everything from keys to underwear. He would leave for work knowing where everything was and then return to find the plates and bowls had moved cupboards and the shower gel was now kept on the other side of the bathroom shelf.

Christian slumped back against the pillows, making a vague noise that sounded like a huff.

"Are you pouting?" Syed sighed, frowning and jiggling the keys in his hand impatiently. He was already seriously late for work, any longer and Zainab would be hammering on the door again, shrieking for her son do the job he was paid for. The first time that had happened, Christian, of course, had replied that he would happily pay her son for services rendered but was a bit short on cash this week, earning him a hard glare and a painful shove in the ribs.

"It's lonely here all day...alone", Christian whined, pulling the duvet under his chin. He loathed to admit it for fear of giving Syed future ribbing ammunition, but he hated being alone. Being alone meant thinking and Christian hated thinking. It usually meant moodiness for the rest of the day, complete with Syed getting frustrated and leaving him alone anyway, once he had got back. That train of thought soon stopped as contemplating stalking your boyfriend once he was rid of this cold, even in semi-jest, was probably not the best action to take, especially considering the end result would be giving Zainab, the dragon and almost-mother-in-law, a serious case of Smugitis.

"Watch some television then", Syed offered. Christian's look of indignation at his suggestion earned him a distinctly cool smile.

"Oh yeah, like I want to watch purple dinosaurs, grown-ups who don't speak proper English and chavs with topknots who tell their sister they slept with her husband when she was in hospital on national television", Christian grunted, forcing Syed into perfecting his 'I do not find that funny, Christian' face.

"Well, watch something else then. I'm your boyfriend, not your babysitter...or personal doctor...or slave". Syed walked over to the flat door, pulling it open and attempting his escape from the cold-riddled man who had been camped in their bed for the last two days.

"You're my slave sometimes", Christian disputed, smirking at the red flush that suddenly spread over Syed's face.

"You're unbelievable, even when you're ill, you're still a sex pest", he snapped, taking a great interest in the paint chips on the door in an attempt to stop his mind replaying certain, more embarrassing moments of their sex life. Moments that involved him emitting noises that sounded like strangled whimpering and as a result, doing his best to increase Christian's already massive ego.

"Fine", Christian retorted, huffily, "I'll just go to sleep then and you can spend the rest of the day crying over the fact you won't be getting any action from the sex pest for a while".

"Have fun dreaming of purple dinosaurs", Syed sniggered, slamming the door so loudly Christian winced in sympathy for its pain.

"Well I won't be dreaming of you", he muttered, sulkily, pulling the duvet over his head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - The sex ban**

"Oh great", Christian exclaimed, throwing the phone down as though it might infect him even more than he already was. He had been woken up ten minutes ago by the loud _RING, RING_ from the phone that Syed had put on the bedside table before he had left for work. He was having such a good dream too, one which had involved him and multiple Syed clones, all looking exactly like his moody boyfriend, right down to the sexy mole he had on his right shoulder. They were all Christian's slaves and they worshiped him, treating him like a King, taking it in turns to lay down on the Royal bed (sometimes two at a time, this was _Christian's_ mind after all) and be used as nothing more than sex slaves. Christian had banked that dream away in his mind for later. There was nothing better to think about than naked clones of your sexy boyfriend, who would never say a word, an improvement on the real Syed right now, the one that had just arrived home.

"What is it now?", Syed sighed wearily, noticing that look of 'Oh my God, NO!' on Christian's face and slumping himself down onto the sofa.

"My mother just phoned. She wants to visit", Christian groaned, eliciting a coughing fit and forcing him to reach for the tissues.

"That'll be...interesting", Syed replied, with a wry smile at his bed-ridden boyfriend. He had never met Christian's mother, or any of his family apart from Jane, and he had no intention of starting now. His own mother was more than enough of a nightmare for both of them.

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it. We need to emigrate. Like now. Where's your passport?". Christian sat up in bed and mentally began planning their move.

"Haven't you forgotten that a) we would need an extra airplane seat for your tissues, hot lemon drinks and cough medicine and we just simply can't afford it and b) do you really want my mother to come and find us and string you up by your wotsits?". Syed shivered at the mere thought of his mother's reaction.

"We could always share seats?", Christian replied, choosing to ignore the fact Syed had just used the word wotsits and that he, Christian, was going out with a man who used the word wotsits.

"Yeah, like I'm going near you right now. Besides you said this morning I wasn't getting any for a while", Syed pouted, giving Christian a look only a five year-old, who had been denied his favourite sweets would give.

"And you say I'm the sex pest? I simply meant you could sit on my lap in a perfectly innocent way. And anyway I was joking about that". Christian voice was thick with sarcasm. "You know I much prefer your dream clones, they're so much nicer to me", he muttered.

"When is she coming?", Syed asked, choosing not to respond to Christian's blatant piss taking. He also decided to ignore the the last sentence, not wishing to delve into the depths of Christian's sex obsessed mind. It could scar him for life.

"Next Monday, for one day", Christian pouted, flinging himself back down onto the pillows.

"Oh damn, Mum has me down to work that day. Guess you'll be seeing her alone then?", Syed replied brightly, tugging off his coat and swinging his legs up onto the sofa, shifting onto his back so he could face Christian.

"Erm...yeah...no. I said you'd be there. She wants to meet Sy-eeeeed", Christian revealed, immitating his mother's pronunciation of Syed. "You'll have to tell Zainab". Christian pulled the duvet cover up over his chin so Syed couldn't see his broad grin.

"I can't. We have a big order on right now. We could always swap mothers? I'll stay here for when she arrives and you can tell my mother there will be one less samosa maker for her to boss around"

"As tempting as that offer is Sy, I'll pass. I wish I was an ophan"

"Don't say that"

"You don't know my mother"

"She can't be worse than mine!"

"Go on then. What did she say? Should I go throw myself under a train for being such a terrible boyfriend to you?"

Ever since that day Syed had told his mother he was back with Christian, Zainab had made it her misson to blame him for everything, from the state of Syed's hair, _'It's too long', she'd moan,'Can you not afford to have it cut? Too many nights out I expect', she had concluded smugly before strolling out of the unit_, to the fact Syed barely came over for dinner anymore, _'Will he not let you out of his sight for one evening a week? Scared being here with your family might change your mind about wasting your life with him when you could be with us?'_

"Christian", Syed admonished, a slight frown appearing on his face. "She asked if you were okay, actually", he lied.

"Really", Christian replied drolly, rolling his eyes, which set off another hacking coughing fit

"You really should stop talking you know, what with that cough"

XXXX

_As expected, Zainab was perfecting her 'It's Christian's fault isn't it?' look when Syed walked in to the unit, hours late. _

_"It's Christian, he's sick. I'm looking after him", Syed replied, hanging his coat on the peg behind the door and pulling on an apron._

_"Not serious I hope?". Zainab turned around to face Syed, her voice laced with contempt for the man she saw as replacing her position as No. 1 in her son's affections._

_"Mum!"_

_"What Syed? I was simply asking after Christian's health", she retorted, mutilating an innocent onion._

_"He's got a cold. I'm currently keeping him in tissues and lemon and honey Lemsip. I'm Doctor Syed", he joked, thinking about the time Christian and he had played Doctors and Doctors in bed._

_"Can you try not to be late next week please? We have a big order and we need all the help we can get", she asked turning her back on Syed again, "If you can drag yourself out of Christian's bed that is"_

XXXX

"I've made you some soup". Syed pointed over to the pan on the stove, dropping onto the bed beside Christian.

"Thanks, Sy. What would I do without you?"

"Have a bigger ego?", Syed grinned, earning him a frosty stare and a hard poke in the chest.

"Don't hit me", Syed shrieked, batting Christian's hand away, "Anyway, I've been thinking-"

"Ooh, dangerous move there, Sy", Christian cut in, laughing.

"Do you always have to interrupt?", Syed replied, his expression cooling significantly. "What I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted by someone who should remember that they are currently at my mercy is that two can play the _'you won't be getting any action from me' _card. What if I were to withhold services? I can do without sex for a week"

Christian raised an eyebrow, rolling his eyes so blatantly that Syed could not resist playfully hitting him on the arm in mock anger.

"Yeah sure. Pretend all you like Sy, but these past two days have been just as bad for you as they have been for me", Christian stated, placing his hand teasingly on Syed's thigh.

"Because of your moaning", Syed replied, pushing Christian's hand away and trying to keep his breathing steady.

"No, you can't get enough of me. It's plain and simple, Sy. You're mardy at me because you are sex deprived. It's alright I understand, I mean I can see why you're a bit tetchy. You're unsatisfied and alone, you just don't cut it like I can". Christian smirked, winking at Syed.

"Right that's it", Syed screeched, reaching for a pillow and whacking Christian on the head with it.

"Hello, ill person here", Christian complained, rubbing his head.

"Next week after your mother has gone. One whole week, no sex, none of your wandering hands in bed or on the sofa, nothing", Syed declared, noticing the slight fear in Christian's eyes that he was actually serious about this.

Christian coughed out a nervous laugh. "Oh come on Sy. Don't be mean. It's not good to deprive people of their needs. You could do lasting damage to my physical and mental health here", Christian whined as Syed moved from the bed into the kitchen, trying to remember which cupboard the bowls were now kept in. Having found them where the glasses were previously kept, he ladled some hot chicken noodle soup into a bowl before bringing it to the bed.

"One whole week, Superman", Syed said, handing Christian the bowl of soup before turning away.

"Bread, Sy"


	3. Chapter 3

**For anyone who is interested. The title of the story refers to two scenes shown in EE in April this year. **

**'Gas man' comes from the scene where Syed comes back from the flat after Masood has seen him and Christian kissing and explains that he was late due to the 'gas man'.**

_**Gas man = Christian**_

**'Pizza delivery boy' comes from the scene where Christian and Masood are in The Vic and Christian is lying and telling Masood he saw him kissing a pizza delivery boy in Syed's flat. **

_**Pizza delivery boy = Syed**_

**Chapter 3 - The other almost-mother-in-law**

Christian was panicing. His mother was due any minute and Syed wasn't back yet. He had gone to the Minute Mart to get some food, wine and, if Christian was in luck and Syed had forgotten all about this stupid sex ban, some condoms, for when his mother had left. Christian had sneakily written it down on the shopping list whilst Syed was in the bathroom and he hoped that the combination of this brazen act, which was bound to make Syed laugh, and the mortifying event of him having to spend the day with his mother might make Syed feel sorry for him. At this moment he was one step away from being totally pathetic and begging Syed. Christian felt sure though that it wouldn't come to that and that Syed's resolve would wilt and they'd be naked within minutes of his mother walking out the flat door.

_BUZZ BUZZ_

"Oh damn. She's here. I want to die", Christian muttered to himself glumly, scanning his eyes over the state of the flat one last time. "Good, everything is where it should be". He casually strolled over to the flat door and yanked it open, fixing his mother with a long-suffering smile.

"Mother", Christian grimaced, trying in vain to relax the strained features on his face and convey a sense of open mother-son love.

"Christian. Don't just stand there. Let me in", Linda snapped impatiently, her green eyes attempting to look past Christian into the flat.

"Come in. Make yourself at home", Christian drawled, sarcastically, stepping aside and letting his mother past.

"Don't worry, dear. I intend to", Linda simpered, taking off her coat and scarf and dumping them on Christian's outstretched hands. "Pleasure", Christian muttered darkly, despositing the items on the coat peg behind the front door.

"So where is this boyfriend then? This Sy-eeeeed". Christian almost failed to supress a snigger but managed to turn it into a coughing fit, earning him a cold glare and a frown. "Jane has told me all about him. Asian isn't he? And Muslim? Wouldn't have thought he'd be your type, considering...", Linda trailed off, pouring herself a double vodka and plonking herself down onto the sofa.

"Considering what?". Christian frowned, pursing his lips.

"Well, it's hardly you is it Christian? A Muslim? I bet his parents just love you", she chortled, downing the voda in one go.

Christian screwed up his face. "We get on just fine, thank you...", Christian trailed off, hearing keys outside. Linda turned to face the opening door, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting Syed.

"Christian. What the hell do you think you are doing putting condoms on this list? Do you really think I'm going to give in that easily...Oh, Mrs Clarke...". Syed stopped, turning away with a shy smile and feeling his ears burning hot. Syed quickly closed the door and walked into the kitchen with the grocery bags, not looking at Christian, who was looking decidely pale.

No one spoke whilst Syed unpacked the bags and put the milk in the fridge but something had to break the silence and as it was, it was the unfortunate dropping of a wine bottle that broke the awkward tension that had consumed the flat.

Syed squirmed, and hovered on the spot whilst Christian searched the cupboards for the dustpan and brush to clean up the mess and smashed glass that no decorated their tiled kitchen floor.

"Syed. I've brought you some soup. I make it this morning at the unit. It will do you good", Zainab bellowed through the front door. Syed froze. He was in such a rush to get back to the flat and berate Christian for his nerve, that he must have left the blue outside door on the latch, and knowing his mother, she would have taken that as an open invitation.

"What?", Christian mouthed, looking at Syed intently, who had gone the distinct shade of a very red tomato and was attempting to busy himself with a piece of dirt on the cooker top.

"I told her I caught your cold and that's why I couldn't work today", Syed lamented sheepishly. "What? You know my mother"

Christian stalked over to the door, yanking it open to see a red-faced Zainab staring back at him with hostile brown eyes.

"I hope you are looking after him", she said, pushing past Christian, plastic food container in hand.

"What? I thought you said you were ill in bed?", Zainab grunted, seeing her red-faced son on his hands and knees on the floor, attempting to sweep up shards of glass off the kitchen floor. "And you have company as well", she shrilled, eying Christian dangerously.

Syed seemed particulary fasinated by the glass on the floor so Christian had to think hard to placate the No. 1 dragon almost-mother-in-law and then attempt to rescue the disastrous day with No. 2 dragon almost-mother-in-law. Offering her a flat smile, he steered Zainab over to the sofa and took the food container from her.

"Looks lovely Zainab. Thank you", he simpered, placing it down on the coffee table. "Erm...", he glanced between the two women, both of whom had perfected looks of what he imagined a violent volcanio would look like if it were human, ready to erupt and crush all in its path, namely sexy men named Christian and their gorgeous Muslim boyfriends.

"This is Linda Clarke, my mother. Mother, this is Zainab Masood, Sy's mother". The two women surveyed each other with suspicion, exchanging tolerant smiles.

Zainab directed her focus on Christian. "Sy? Sy? Who or what is this Sy? His name is Syed, Christian. Do try and respect some things that are important to us, will you?". She glowered at Christian, who turned away. Pulling a face, he stalked over to where Syed was now standing, leaning against the kitchen worktop, muttering to himself.

"Seeing as we have no wine now...It's okay, Sy...", Christian soothed, on seeing the dejected look on Syed's face, "We'll go out to eat"

XXXX

"You know you said we were going to emigrate? Well, get packing sunshine. We're leaving. Now". Syed announced, poking Christian in the ribs and encouraging him to walk quicker.

"Will you stop being so dramatic. It wasn't _that _bad", Christian retorted, refusing to look Syed in the eyes.

"Christian. Me, you, my mother and your mother. Dinner in a resturant. How is that 'wasn't that bad'? Did you temporarily go blind and deaf? I can't believe your mother would just bring that up like that. And my mother's face".

"Your Mum will get over it. Although on her list of vermin, I'm now probably bottom of the list, I'm lower than pond scum covered in rat's poo that has flies around it. In fact, I'm not even worthy to _be_ on the list anymore", Christian joked, kicking a pebble along the pavement. Christian tried to give Syed a reassuring smile but it looked more like a grimace to Syed and he cast his eyes back down to the pavement in misery.

"I can't believe Mum would even remember seeing it anyway. It was years ago". Christian mumbled, pouting and silently cursing his mother for overdosing on the red wine at dinner.

"Christian. It's not every day a mother sees her son's box of sex toys". Syed shivered, remembering the look of sheer horror on his mother's face as Linda had drunkenly recounted the time she had stumbled upon what Christian liked to call, 'his box of fun'.

"Right. I'll book the plane tickets, you pack our bags. Deal?" Christian held out his hand to Syed as they reached the blue outside door to their flat.

"I can't pack. Remember Benidorm?" Syed giggled, recalling the time they had gone on holiday to Benidorm and he had packed all of their summer wear but had forgotten to include their underwear, leading to them using copious amounts of washing powder and a hot afternoon spent trudging round the shops buying new pairs. Syed was mortified but Christian had never forgotten and repeatedly brought it up in conversation with friends and family.

"Come on you", Christian drawled as he unlocked the door and steered Syed up the stairs, following closely behind him.

"Oi, stop touching my arse". Syed turned around, batting Christian's hand away. "This is all you are getting tonight". Syed leaned forwards and kissed Christian gently on the lips, twisting away from Christian's grasp and then bounding up the remaining stairs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Syed v. Christian**

"Get out now!" Syed shrieked, pushing a naked Christian out of the bathroom before slamming the door in his face.

"Syed, I'm going to report you for committing a criminal act", Christian shouted through the closed door, pulling on his comfy dressing gown and flopping down onto the sofa. A few seconds later, he was grinning smugly as the bathroom door abruptly opened and a wet Syed, his hair dripping onto the carpet, appeared.

"You really are desperate, aren't you?" Syed mocked.

"Yeah, because I was the one that had my hand on your thigh last night", Christian replied, dryly, resisting the urge to turn around and look at Syed. His resolve was already collapsing like a badly made soufflé…Syed, wet and naked…well it wouldn't take Einstein to predict the end result…why couldn't I have a boyfriend that looked like Ian Beale, Christian thought miserably, before being horrified at the visuals that flashed through his mind…if there was one thing that would surely diminish his rampant sex drive it would be the thought of his sister's husband naked…he quickly erased it from his mind, he wanted to win the battle, not destroy his innocence forever.

"I did not" Syed replied crossly. He shivered slightly in the chill of the flat, suddenly remembering that he was completely naked and standing in a doorway.

"Even in your sleep you can't resist me, Sy", Christian concluded matter-of-factly, the arrogant tone in his voice infuriating Syed.

"It's nothing to do with that. I'm restless. It's all this stress, with your mother's disastrous visit, my mother…"

Christian stood up and walked over to Syed. Suspecting an ambush move, Syed backed away from the door, grabbed a towel and hastily wrapped it around his slim waist.

Christian pulled Syed close. "You know I can help you with that, if you like. I'm good at dealing with stress"

"Go away", Syed hissed indignantly, pushing him away and shutting the door in his face.

XXXX

"Christian, do you like my new jeans? I brought them this morning. They're skinny jeans", Syed asked innocently, fluttering his long eye lashes.

Christian knew a ruse when he saw one, Syed was always so obvious, but he decided he would have some fun and play along.

"They're okay", he replied casually, his voice hitching slightly as he took in the sight of his boyfriend's body in those tight jeans. He hid the sharp intake of breath with a small cough.

"What?" Syed replied mischievously.

"I'm going out". Christian stalked out of the flat, leaving Syed laughing behind him.

XXXX

"It is war, Rox", Christian vowed, taking a mouthful of cold beer.

"Christian, you can't even last a day without sex, do you really think you will be able to resist Syed for a week?" she questioned him incredulously.

"In case you haven't forgotten I've already been without sex for a few days. I've been ill remember and then there was the visit by my dragon of a mother-"

"Christian, you had _no choice _then. Sorry mate, but your sex drive is higher than mine and if I don't get some soon, I'll be looking at Ian Beale suggestively", she shivered, pulling a face.

Christian shuddered, the conversation bringing to mind the disturbing visuals from earlier that day.

XXXX

Christian opened the door, unprepared for the scene that would welcome him home. Lying on the bed, entirely naked, Syed licked his lips slowly, his eyes flitting seductively over Christian's body.

"You git", Christian uttered, hurriedly shedding his clothes as Syed smiled triumphantly.

Almost immediately they were a mass of tangled limbs, kissing fiercely, the bed creaking as Christian maneuvered Syed underneath him, his thighs pinning him down onto the bed…

XXXX

"Let's never do that again", Syed whispered, attempting to recover his composure, his skin hot and flushed and his dump hair stuck to his face.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to resist me. This little trick got you what you wanted…me, in you"

Syed slapped Christian on the arm. "You can be so uncouth sometimes"


End file.
